Letting go - Letting come

It is so remarkable to really experience that there is no difference betweeen the inner world and the outer one. Sometimes this is very joyful and at other times very painful. We create boundaries that are not actually there. And we do this for a reason.
What is that reason?
- Fear of being vulnerable and getting hurt?
- Attachment to the 'little me' that keeps me from my 'true self'?
- Concepts of reality we have in mind that prevent us from actually be real in the present?
- ...

I don't know and I try to stop figuring that out with my mind. Mind doesn't understand love. It does not understand grief. Maybe it comes close, but it will never actually BE the experience itself. So, yes there must be an effort to understand reality, continuous. And no, we are not even close in comprehending the thuth, there is only one.

This time is a time of letting go. In the Mayan calender we now have entered the fifth night. After the period of  Quetzalcoatl, the Aztek god of light it now is the period of Tezcatlipoca, the Aztec god of darkness.

The Mayan mysticism is quite close to the Advaita and Kabbalistic view on life and creation.

In the beginning there was only water. From the void that was the rest of the universe, the first god, Ometeotl, created itself.
Ometeotl was both male and female, good and evil, light and darkness, fire and water, judgment and forgiveness, the god of duality. Ometeotl gave birth to four children, the four Tezcatlipocas, who each preside over one of the four cardinal directions.
Over the East presides the White Tezcatlipoca, Quetzalcoatl, the god of light, mercy and wind;
over the South presides the Blue Tezcatlipoca, Huitzilopochtli, the god of war;
over the West presides the Red Tezcatlipoca, Xipe Totec; the god of gold, farming and Spring time;
and over the North presides the Black Tezcatlipoca, known by no other name than Tezcatlipoca, the god of judgment, night, deceit, sorcery and the Earth.
It was these four gods who eventually created all the other gods and the world we know today, but before they could create they had to destroy

Now we can say that these gods are metaphores for cosmic energies that are part of life and creation. The energy Quetzalcoatl embodies is that of budding, forward movement, new life. The energy Tezcatlipoca embodies is that of challenge.

Well, that is a glimpse of the big picture, but what does this mean in our day to day life? In stead of sharing an abstract story about resilience I'll share a more personal experience.

So in order to allow the new to emerge there is this energy of having to destroy or to let go. Letting go is something that I find very difficult when it comes to people and personal relations. You enter my life and and heart and from that moment you will never disappear from it. More common and easier to relate to is perhaps the idea of change. For instance to change a habit is very difficult. I know, I have been smoking cigarettes for 20 years. Or changing your working environment is one of the 5 most stressful events in our lives. OR how do we deal with death, especially of a beloved one? Talking about letting go.

So letting go is the theme in my life at this moment. With CHE we have decided to dismiss the board from its formal position in order to allow the new to emerge. A serious phase of transition there. And we have had some nice breakthroughs in the Biceps retreat, the Holacracy session with Brian Robertson and the Integral Practice session with Terry Patten.

To be quite hounest I have experienced all this from a more distant position than I use to. That is because also in my personal life a lot of changes challenge me and push me forward and teach me to let go. A relationship with a beloved one has ended and both my parents have been very ill for quite some time.

Only a few weeks ago my mother has "released her spirit" as a friend of mine named it. She died of cancer after a long period of treatment and a brief period in hospital. Despite the fact that we knew she was ill and dying, this came as an unexpected surprise. My mom is tough, a survivor - literally she survived the war as a jewish child. Till the last days she was going to theatre with friends, movies and musical concerts with her grandchildren, and teaching immigrants the Dutch language.
She started chemo therapy but was having all the side effects one can have from that. So she went to hospital for a few days to recover from that. The expectation was that she would be there for a few days and could go home after the side effects had stopped
In one day my mother went into a sort of a coma state. In the morning I could say hi to her and after that she went into a different state of mind where we could not have verbal communication with her.

My mother always asked us to help her with active euthanisia if she would ever come into a state that she was in now. This is legal in the Netherlands and my mother had all the papers to arrange this. BUT ... in order to be able to do this the doctors need a verbal declaration of the patient at the moment it arises and there must be a state of severe suffering. Well, my mother was not able to say that she didn't want to live any longer and the doctors didn't have the impression she was suffering severely. So there was nothing we could do.

I also had the impression that she was not suffering severely. But still it is difficult not to be albe to fulfill this wish of her. My sister was having much difficulties with that and to be hounest I was less distracted by that. My mother and I have a real close connection, we still do. All I was focussing on was her state of being. Was she suffering or was she digestiong and preparing for the next step?

We spend days and nights at the hospital. I did a lot of meditation and Tonglen and was completely focussed on my mother. She was peaceful and at the same time I could really feel that she was still here but in a different state of being. I could feel her presence and feel it changing. I was also giving her oneness blessings every day, hoping that would help her to leave the physical body without fear and praying that her soul could find the peace and happyness it deserves.

And yes, I also felt the pain of a child who doesn't want his mother to die. Actually now writing this I can feel that again. But there was also a shift in me. The pain was and is there and at the same time there is this loving and warm feeling of acceptance.

My mom was in this coma state, the first few days occasionally coming out of it. I was sitting next to her bed just starting with a tonglen exercise, opening my heart and give love from this place of inner peace. My mom opened her eyes and asked me "What are you doing?" "Oh, nothing, I just love you mom" was my reply. She smiled and closed her eyes. I am so grateful that this was the last moment of verbal communication between us.

After a few days and nights in hospital my sister and I decided not ot stay overnight anymore. There were two reasons for that, a practical one and a spiritual one. We were both getting more and more tired ourselves and also needed 'time off'. We discussed that this also might be the case for our mother. With us being there and her sensing our presence we might also block her process of transformation. I could feel her energy and reaction when I or my sister went into the state of the child. Untill the end she then tried to comfort us. As mothers do.

My last moments with my mother were were warm and intense. After a day in hospital with my sister and stephsister I spend a long time alone with my mother, praying, meditation, giving deeksha and talking with her. When I left I knew that it would be the last time I would see her in her physical body. The next morning when I arrived she had left her body. This was an amazing experience.

The first thing that I noticed was the energy in the room. It was light and joyful!?! It felt like her spirit was dancing in the room. The body was there, but that was a corpse, not my mother. After the medical check I asked for some time alone with my mother. Sitting there in the room, sensing and feeling this spirit that I also felt before. But this time not with the pain of suffering and the pain of cancer. Amazing and also very comforting.

And maybe this is only another concept of my mind. I dont know and I don't care. It doesn't feel so and from where I am now I should be able to make the distinction. The last weeks with my mother was a period I felt closer to God or Presence as I like to call it than ever. And despite that it all went differently from what my mother had wished and what we all expected I am so very grateful for this wonderful time we had together. This might sound strange, but that is how I experience this very special and precious period. And all the loving years before.

After my mothers death there is a lot ot arrange. My sister, stephsister and I were so much on one line about the funeral. My sister does a lot of the practical work and I chose the music and the announcement. "What dies is dust, what remains is spirit". It is so true and so what I experience.
The cremation it self was a very difficult moment for me, for all of us. I treid to share some of my feelings and insights. Between the tears and with support from my sister I sort of managed.
Later many poeple shared with us that they were deeply touched by the warmth and honesty of our words and emotions.

So now my relationship with my mother has changed. Not only that has changed, it has also created a shift within me. And in my relationship with my sister and stephsister. I feel much closer to them than I did before. And I also expressed that I wish the way we are together now will remain.

I feel strange, pain and joy are there at the same time. There are moments that I want to call my mom, sometimes just forgetting that she will not pick up the phone anymore, other time just because I want to hear her voice on the answering machine.
I also feel joy and relief. Joy because my mothers spirit is now free and my mother not in pain any more. Relief because I can feel her presence without feeling the pain of her cancer in my own body and heart.

It is a magical experience to allow both being there.
Being able not be the emotion, neither rejecting it.
Being with what is here, now, whatever it is.

And I feel this pull.
A pull for action, moving forward.
Integrating that what is and from acceptance move into ...
Into what, I don't know.

Maybe I am finally growing up.
Pity

Maybe I am not only in the phase of letting go, but also in the phase of letting come.
Wondering what will come.

Yess, that is it.
The new wants to emerge and I can feel that within me and outside me.

I feel both vulnerable and strong at the same time.
What can I do with that?
I'll explore ...

By mom, I love you, you know that.
And your spirit is here with me, I feel you.